My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
