I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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