Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
