i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
