Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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