Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
