She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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