Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Houston, we have a blender
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
