I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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