porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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