20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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