I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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