NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
