How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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