We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
