My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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