sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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