apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
