What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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