I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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