You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
