this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
