Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
