speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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