I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
