I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
