My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
