I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
