I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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