i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
