can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I will die if light touches me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
