How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
