she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
