WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize