He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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