News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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