I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You need Xanax blowdarts
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
