I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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