The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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