So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
