cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
