His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
