Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
