He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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