i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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