This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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