Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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