a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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