apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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