it wasn't lemon gatorade
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
