so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
