just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Randomize
