Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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