So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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