so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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