I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize