life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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