She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
