Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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