she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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