Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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