Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
