Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
