We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think I just sharted jello shots
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
